My children are in their early 30s--but the parenting goes on. And it continues to be a place for me to learn and grow...which sounds great--except sometimes it isn't. Here are some of the parenting thoughts that go through my head these days:
"I know he's going through a tough time. Should I call? If I call too often will I inadvertently send the message that I'm worried whether he can handle things on his own? If I don't call enough, will I be leaving him too alone and feeling insufficiently supported by his father? When we talk, should I offer words of wisdom or just be a compassionate listener? Is my wisdom truly wise? Or is it just me trying to make myself feel better? Are my expressions of love making things worse, or making things better?"
I once asked their nursery school teacher if she had any books she recommended on parenting. She replied, "Yes, there are a number of interesting books. But the problem is, the children haven't read them."
All the psychological knowledge and emotional sophistication crumbles to dust in the face of a real-life human who is (probably) as smart and emotionally clever as you are. If she has taken it as her job to individuate, and if for her, part of that means making you miserable, she's going to succeed. You're going to be miserable. Not fake miserable either--that wouldn't qualify as a success. She needs you to ACTUALLY be miserable--and she can tell the difference.
My extremely wonderful and mature children made me absolutely miserable (and frightened for their well-being) many times when they were teenagers. I'm glad we all survived it.
So no real advice here. Only the voice of experience that says, Yes, I remember feeling totally out of control and scared for how this is going to turn out. And yes, it did turn out well (although it took some years). And even now, with them full-fledged responsible, amazing adults, I still sometimes don't know how to parent well. I just fumble along, knowing I'm not doing it perfectly.
Oh Dan, I love what you wrote here so much!! And I can totally feel your love for your grown children. I laughed out loud at the make you miserable part, but it made so much sense!! Thank you so much for your generous comment. Strangely, it gives me hope. Evening knowing that our worry for our children will never end. Sending you courage. Thank you!!
Thank you for this vulnerable and honest post. There is so much to respond to here Harini’s almost too much to do in writing. But I hear you and I am there with you and wow…. To be a gen x mother in the midst of these year is alarming to say the least!
Aww. Thank you Corie. Yes, it is a big subject to be covering in one essay. I’m happy to report that my daughter didn’t take too long to reach out to me, but it’s not always easy to ride this emotional rollercoaster. Yes, let’s talk!
Ohh Imola, your honesty and vulnerability shine through in this post. It's so, so hard when we're in the trenches. I can hear so much tenderness in your voice and words. I relate to those moments of losing your shit and doing things I swore I'd never do. Loving you from across the border.
Feel your love Tiffany. Thank you! My daughter wrote to me four days later à long apology letter and came back home, so all is good. But yes, parenting is not always easy.
Hi Imola, you are amazing and a good mother and as another Gen X HSP mother I hear you. My child isn’t a teenager yet but like you I’m a cycle breaker. Make sure you tend to your own needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup…I have learnt this the hard way. I know it’s easy for me to say from afar but your bravery and vulnerability are magnificent. Sending love and power to you x
Aww. Thank you so so much! What you say here about the empty cup is key! This why I had to ask for a break from my daughter. I had truly nothing left in my cup. I make sure to fill my cup regularly with yoga, writing, literature, languages and meaningful connections. I wouldn’t last otherwise! Thank you for your kind words and much strength to you for breaking the cycle. It’s not for the faint hearted.
My 14-year-old daughter and I butt heads almost always these days. When we do, I try to keep in mind much of what you wrote here, about the hormones and the developmental stage she's in and the peer influence and the not-quite-developed prefrontal cortex. Mostly, I can keep my cool. But sometimes I lose my shit.
I am fortunate (and grateful) to have a background in psychology, both at an undergraduate and graduate level. What I know about human development has aided me in overcoming many of the generational traumas you listed. I, too, was raised by Baby Boomers. (I had to laugh when you wrote it was considered an accomplishment if they didn't end up alcoholics or wife beaters.) I am not a Gen Xer, though barely. I'm considered a Millennial, because I was born in January 1981. (In fact, tomorrow I will be 44 years old. Wow.) But I identify more with the Gen Xers and their experiences and how they were raised.
All that to say, I am trying to do things differently with my own children. I am trying to work on my personal pathway of healing so that I can be a better role model to my kids. (Like the Carl Jung quote.)
So much you packed in this essay, and I want to say thank you for your tenderness and emotional transparency. Always.
Oh Jeannie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! You always have so much wisdom to offer. I have no degree in psychology, but a very keen interest so I keep studying it. I'm happy to report that my daughter didn't take too long to get back to me with a very loving note, so hopefully I'm not doing as bad as I think. But, I think it helps to know that you are not alone and that even zen yoga teachers can lose their shit. Sending you much love. I'm glad you were born :)
I love that line—”Even zen yoga teachers lose their shit.” Please please write a funny story about that sometime, @Imola . Thanks for the well wishes for my birthday. I think lifelong learning is important for all of us, and I certainly keep at it myself. :)
Plus, it’s encouraging to hear that these fluctuations in our teen children does eventually even out. We just have to be patient, I guess, but there is an “other side” to it. That’s hope, for me!
I really loved this. Maybe just because I love honest that much. I can't begin to list all of the mistakes that I have made, all the words that I cannot take back, the few times I grabbed my daughters wrist a bit too hard because I was too exhausted to be my usual gentle momma self. I have felt like a failed mom, bad mom. I have cried like a baby in the corner of my bedroom floor for this on several occasions. And with all of this the greatest act I believe to do as a momma is love myself despite all of this. I am unconditionally forgiving to myself as I am with my 2 daughters. I practice that honesty is more important than hiding wrongdoings and imperfection. I am so honest with them so that they feel they can be so honest with me. I say I am sorry when needed. Which is more often than I would like. I tell them that I have surely messed them up, but that I will also be there during their journey of healing themselves from me. I remind them that they shouldn't use my bad mothering as an excuse and that it is the hardest and most beautiful thing I have ever done. And back to self-love. I too feel at times that my yoga practice should prevent me from the evils of frustration, fear, doubt, exhaustion, lonliness, and all the other debilitating emotions that come with motherhood. But then I remember that I am not practicing towards perfection. I am practicing towards awareness, humility, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. How much can I be all these things for myself so that I can be all of these things for them? So that they can mirror these things for themselves? This is what I focus on. This is what I return to again and again and again, once I manage to pull myself up from the floor and wipe away those tears. Thank you for this. ❤️
Oh Danni, thank YOU for this beautiful, tender account of motherhood. This really resonated with me as a yoga teacher: "I too feel at times that my yoga practice should prevent me from the evils of frustration, fear, doubt, exhaustion, lonliness, and all the other debilitating emotions that come with motherhood. But then I remember that I am not practicing towards perfection. I am practicing towards awareness, humility, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. How much can I be all these things for myself so that I can be all of these things for them? So that they can mirror these things for themselves?" How right you are!I always say that yoga is a PRACTICE. And now you have reminded me that so is motherhood! Thank you!
Yes. A practice. Isn’t everything we do a practice of accepting and forgiving and moving forward better with love, especially for ourselves. It is 'funny' how sometimes the hardest part is letting go of this idea that I should be perfect because I practice yoga. Like the time I 'take away' from my family and other responsibilities is a waste of time because it doesn't prevent me from making mistakes, using harsh words, or exploding sometimes. The worst thing my husband can say to me is why aren't you calm. You spend ao much time on your yoga mat. I guess it isn’t working. Obviously, he only says this when he is out of his mind. He knows that it is not true. But it stings every time. I am so grateful for my practice. It really does make me a better mom, wife, and human. It helps me to love myself. And once again, we are not meant to ever be perfect in this lifetime. We are not robots. We are fully feeling human beings with all emotions living a full experience of a life that will never be easy. Maybe this is how yoga has helped me the most. I am not searching for easy in me, others, or life. I am aiming for full. Full love. Even when I feel like a failure, I have no regrets. I just pick myself up and get back on my mat. Thank you Imola for letting me share this. We all need these reminders. ❤️
Wow Danni, we speak the same language!! Reading you, I am feeling seen. And suddenly I’m thinking, I wish we could run a yoga workshop/ retreat together on this exact theme!!
I rely on my small village (including you!) for support, reminders to give myself compassion in the moment and to look forward not backward. This too shall pass… and I’m good enough… are a couple of my mantras🙏 Still it hurts
Oh, parenthood! Exhausting, challenging, maddening, and still the most wonderful thing ever, at least for me. Imola, you already know that all of this will pass. And you also know that it's all how it goes, how it should be--those years when my daughter was separating from me (individuating i think it's called) were so hard and there was a lot of pain, but here we are on the other side of it, two grown women who are friends. I only have one small bit of advice for you (I think you asked for advice, right?). And that is the old maxim that you have to pick your battles. I decided at one point that I was no longer going to require my kids to keep their bedrooms to any kind of normal standards. If they wanted to live in a mess, so be it. I stopped vacuuming their rooms or changing their sheets. I told them that if they didn't want me to come in with a garbage bag and throw everything away, to keep their doors shut. They were responsible now for cleaning their rooms, vacuuming, changing sheets and doing their own laundry. I was done. And we lived like that for a long while, my son's room getting so disgusting you would not believe it. But it did help me to stop ragging on them to clean things up. Besides that, i have nothing to give you. There were hard times, oh my god, so hard. But you know that it's all worth it. I wish you the best through all of this. Like you, I used to tell myself that the separation part was extra hard because I'd been such a good mom, they didn't really want to have to separate! But they had to in order to grow up. Honestly, now I hardly remember the hard times, though there were so many of them! You are a wonderful mother. Just keep doing what you're doing which is to just love them and be your honest self. They love you to pieces.
Oh, Mary, I have tears. How right you are in everything you say. The separation sucks but is necessary and healthy. I know. I’m happy to report that my daughter didn’t take long to reach out to me and told me how much she loved me. So for now, we’re good. Until the next challenge. And yes, we love each other to pieces. Thank you for your wise words! You are a true role model. Xox
My daughters are all grown now. I'm not sure how we managed to get through the teen years relatively unscathed, but we did.
When the girls were very young and interested in "helping" me with household chores, we started a chore chart. Chores were rotated, until they started expressing preferences.
We tied responsibilities to privileges. We shared our values, why they were important to us. We felt blessed to have three girls and we let them know it.
Parenting with two of us in the household is challenging enough. I can't imagine what it's like for a single parent. Pat yourself on the back for hanging in there, and for caring enough to share your vulnerability. You and your daughter will find your way.
My children are in their early 30s--but the parenting goes on. And it continues to be a place for me to learn and grow...which sounds great--except sometimes it isn't. Here are some of the parenting thoughts that go through my head these days:
"I know he's going through a tough time. Should I call? If I call too often will I inadvertently send the message that I'm worried whether he can handle things on his own? If I don't call enough, will I be leaving him too alone and feeling insufficiently supported by his father? When we talk, should I offer words of wisdom or just be a compassionate listener? Is my wisdom truly wise? Or is it just me trying to make myself feel better? Are my expressions of love making things worse, or making things better?"
I once asked their nursery school teacher if she had any books she recommended on parenting. She replied, "Yes, there are a number of interesting books. But the problem is, the children haven't read them."
All the psychological knowledge and emotional sophistication crumbles to dust in the face of a real-life human who is (probably) as smart and emotionally clever as you are. If she has taken it as her job to individuate, and if for her, part of that means making you miserable, she's going to succeed. You're going to be miserable. Not fake miserable either--that wouldn't qualify as a success. She needs you to ACTUALLY be miserable--and she can tell the difference.
My extremely wonderful and mature children made me absolutely miserable (and frightened for their well-being) many times when they were teenagers. I'm glad we all survived it.
So no real advice here. Only the voice of experience that says, Yes, I remember feeling totally out of control and scared for how this is going to turn out. And yes, it did turn out well (although it took some years). And even now, with them full-fledged responsible, amazing adults, I still sometimes don't know how to parent well. I just fumble along, knowing I'm not doing it perfectly.
Oh Dan, I love what you wrote here so much!! And I can totally feel your love for your grown children. I laughed out loud at the make you miserable part, but it made so much sense!! Thank you so much for your generous comment. Strangely, it gives me hope. Evening knowing that our worry for our children will never end. Sending you courage. Thank you!!
Thank you for this vulnerable and honest post. There is so much to respond to here Harini’s almost too much to do in writing. But I hear you and I am there with you and wow…. To be a gen x mother in the midst of these year is alarming to say the least!
Let’s talk!
Aww. Thank you Corie. Yes, it is a big subject to be covering in one essay. I’m happy to report that my daughter didn’t take too long to reach out to me, but it’s not always easy to ride this emotional rollercoaster. Yes, let’s talk!
Let’s DM. I had an idea recently to form a mother writers of substack support group. What do you think?
Love it! I’m in!
Ohh Imola, your honesty and vulnerability shine through in this post. It's so, so hard when we're in the trenches. I can hear so much tenderness in your voice and words. I relate to those moments of losing your shit and doing things I swore I'd never do. Loving you from across the border.
Feel your love Tiffany. Thank you! My daughter wrote to me four days later à long apology letter and came back home, so all is good. But yes, parenting is not always easy.
Hi Imola, you are amazing and a good mother and as another Gen X HSP mother I hear you. My child isn’t a teenager yet but like you I’m a cycle breaker. Make sure you tend to your own needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup…I have learnt this the hard way. I know it’s easy for me to say from afar but your bravery and vulnerability are magnificent. Sending love and power to you x
Aww. Thank you so so much! What you say here about the empty cup is key! This why I had to ask for a break from my daughter. I had truly nothing left in my cup. I make sure to fill my cup regularly with yoga, writing, literature, languages and meaningful connections. I wouldn’t last otherwise! Thank you for your kind words and much strength to you for breaking the cycle. It’s not for the faint hearted.
Imola,
My 14-year-old daughter and I butt heads almost always these days. When we do, I try to keep in mind much of what you wrote here, about the hormones and the developmental stage she's in and the peer influence and the not-quite-developed prefrontal cortex. Mostly, I can keep my cool. But sometimes I lose my shit.
I am fortunate (and grateful) to have a background in psychology, both at an undergraduate and graduate level. What I know about human development has aided me in overcoming many of the generational traumas you listed. I, too, was raised by Baby Boomers. (I had to laugh when you wrote it was considered an accomplishment if they didn't end up alcoholics or wife beaters.) I am not a Gen Xer, though barely. I'm considered a Millennial, because I was born in January 1981. (In fact, tomorrow I will be 44 years old. Wow.) But I identify more with the Gen Xers and their experiences and how they were raised.
All that to say, I am trying to do things differently with my own children. I am trying to work on my personal pathway of healing so that I can be a better role model to my kids. (Like the Carl Jung quote.)
So much you packed in this essay, and I want to say thank you for your tenderness and emotional transparency. Always.
Oh Jeannie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! You always have so much wisdom to offer. I have no degree in psychology, but a very keen interest so I keep studying it. I'm happy to report that my daughter didn't take too long to get back to me with a very loving note, so hopefully I'm not doing as bad as I think. But, I think it helps to know that you are not alone and that even zen yoga teachers can lose their shit. Sending you much love. I'm glad you were born :)
I love that line—”Even zen yoga teachers lose their shit.” Please please write a funny story about that sometime, @Imola . Thanks for the well wishes for my birthday. I think lifelong learning is important for all of us, and I certainly keep at it myself. :)
Plus, it’s encouraging to hear that these fluctuations in our teen children does eventually even out. We just have to be patient, I guess, but there is an “other side” to it. That’s hope, for me!
I really loved this. Maybe just because I love honest that much. I can't begin to list all of the mistakes that I have made, all the words that I cannot take back, the few times I grabbed my daughters wrist a bit too hard because I was too exhausted to be my usual gentle momma self. I have felt like a failed mom, bad mom. I have cried like a baby in the corner of my bedroom floor for this on several occasions. And with all of this the greatest act I believe to do as a momma is love myself despite all of this. I am unconditionally forgiving to myself as I am with my 2 daughters. I practice that honesty is more important than hiding wrongdoings and imperfection. I am so honest with them so that they feel they can be so honest with me. I say I am sorry when needed. Which is more often than I would like. I tell them that I have surely messed them up, but that I will also be there during their journey of healing themselves from me. I remind them that they shouldn't use my bad mothering as an excuse and that it is the hardest and most beautiful thing I have ever done. And back to self-love. I too feel at times that my yoga practice should prevent me from the evils of frustration, fear, doubt, exhaustion, lonliness, and all the other debilitating emotions that come with motherhood. But then I remember that I am not practicing towards perfection. I am practicing towards awareness, humility, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. How much can I be all these things for myself so that I can be all of these things for them? So that they can mirror these things for themselves? This is what I focus on. This is what I return to again and again and again, once I manage to pull myself up from the floor and wipe away those tears. Thank you for this. ❤️
Oh Danni, thank YOU for this beautiful, tender account of motherhood. This really resonated with me as a yoga teacher: "I too feel at times that my yoga practice should prevent me from the evils of frustration, fear, doubt, exhaustion, lonliness, and all the other debilitating emotions that come with motherhood. But then I remember that I am not practicing towards perfection. I am practicing towards awareness, humility, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and love. How much can I be all these things for myself so that I can be all of these things for them? So that they can mirror these things for themselves?" How right you are!I always say that yoga is a PRACTICE. And now you have reminded me that so is motherhood! Thank you!
Yes. A practice. Isn’t everything we do a practice of accepting and forgiving and moving forward better with love, especially for ourselves. It is 'funny' how sometimes the hardest part is letting go of this idea that I should be perfect because I practice yoga. Like the time I 'take away' from my family and other responsibilities is a waste of time because it doesn't prevent me from making mistakes, using harsh words, or exploding sometimes. The worst thing my husband can say to me is why aren't you calm. You spend ao much time on your yoga mat. I guess it isn’t working. Obviously, he only says this when he is out of his mind. He knows that it is not true. But it stings every time. I am so grateful for my practice. It really does make me a better mom, wife, and human. It helps me to love myself. And once again, we are not meant to ever be perfect in this lifetime. We are not robots. We are fully feeling human beings with all emotions living a full experience of a life that will never be easy. Maybe this is how yoga has helped me the most. I am not searching for easy in me, others, or life. I am aiming for full. Full love. Even when I feel like a failure, I have no regrets. I just pick myself up and get back on my mat. Thank you Imola for letting me share this. We all need these reminders. ❤️
Wow Danni, we speak the same language!! Reading you, I am feeling seen. And suddenly I’m thinking, I wish we could run a yoga workshop/ retreat together on this exact theme!!
💓💓💓
I rely on my small village (including you!) for support, reminders to give myself compassion in the moment and to look forward not backward. This too shall pass… and I’m good enough… are a couple of my mantras🙏 Still it hurts
I love you Cathy
Oh, parenthood! Exhausting, challenging, maddening, and still the most wonderful thing ever, at least for me. Imola, you already know that all of this will pass. And you also know that it's all how it goes, how it should be--those years when my daughter was separating from me (individuating i think it's called) were so hard and there was a lot of pain, but here we are on the other side of it, two grown women who are friends. I only have one small bit of advice for you (I think you asked for advice, right?). And that is the old maxim that you have to pick your battles. I decided at one point that I was no longer going to require my kids to keep their bedrooms to any kind of normal standards. If they wanted to live in a mess, so be it. I stopped vacuuming their rooms or changing their sheets. I told them that if they didn't want me to come in with a garbage bag and throw everything away, to keep their doors shut. They were responsible now for cleaning their rooms, vacuuming, changing sheets and doing their own laundry. I was done. And we lived like that for a long while, my son's room getting so disgusting you would not believe it. But it did help me to stop ragging on them to clean things up. Besides that, i have nothing to give you. There were hard times, oh my god, so hard. But you know that it's all worth it. I wish you the best through all of this. Like you, I used to tell myself that the separation part was extra hard because I'd been such a good mom, they didn't really want to have to separate! But they had to in order to grow up. Honestly, now I hardly remember the hard times, though there were so many of them! You are a wonderful mother. Just keep doing what you're doing which is to just love them and be your honest self. They love you to pieces.
Oh, Mary, I have tears. How right you are in everything you say. The separation sucks but is necessary and healthy. I know. I’m happy to report that my daughter didn’t take long to reach out to me and told me how much she loved me. So for now, we’re good. Until the next challenge. And yes, we love each other to pieces. Thank you for your wise words! You are a true role model. Xox
My daughters are all grown now. I'm not sure how we managed to get through the teen years relatively unscathed, but we did.
When the girls were very young and interested in "helping" me with household chores, we started a chore chart. Chores were rotated, until they started expressing preferences.
We tied responsibilities to privileges. We shared our values, why they were important to us. We felt blessed to have three girls and we let them know it.
Parenting with two of us in the household is challenging enough. I can't imagine what it's like for a single parent. Pat yourself on the back for hanging in there, and for caring enough to share your vulnerability. You and your daughter will find your way.