I have written about the importance of meaningful friendship before, so when I heard inspirational speaker Simon Sinek say in an interview that people with close friendships are healthier, live longer and are better at dealing with stress, I wasn’t at all surprised.
As a creative individual who moved countries so many times, I can confidently say that I wouldn’t have survived the highs and lows of life without the support of my friends. My friends have often been there for me like a family, when my family was too far away and I pride myself as someone with the best friends in the world.
But what makes a good friend?
Someone who is there to support you in the hard times, or, someone who can be happy for you during the great times?
When Sinek said that he had about a dozen good friends he could go to when he felt lonely and lost, but only about four people to share good news with, I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Why? Because my circle of good friends has shrunk down in the last year, and significantly so since I won two writing grants that are now enabling me to focus my energies on what I love the most: writing full-time.
The same friends who were there for me when I was down in the dumps, going through my separation, four moves and financial struggles, are now nowhere to be seen when I’m “up,” deriving great joy and a sense of purpose from my writing, despite the ongoing challenges of life and single-mothering.
I have noticed this trend, but didn’t want to address it, because what Sinek said next I had intuitively experienced. There is a benefit to being the “schadenfreude friend” to a friend in trouble, because it makes us feel better about ourselves. But can you be genuinely happy for a good friend when they are winning awards and doing/achieving things that you dream of, but don’t have?
SCARCITY MINDSET VERSUS ABUNDANT MINDSET
For me, the answer comes down to mindset. If you approach life from a scarcity mindset, in which you believe that the resources available are limited, you are more likely to see this successful friend as a threat, stealing something you want away from you. But if you approach life with a spirit of openness and generosity – with an abundant mindset – you are more likely to celebrate this friend, and be inspired by their achievement.
Dr. Mindy Pelz summarized this best when she spoke about how the law of attraction works in weight loss:
If you want to bring something into your life and you don’t have it yet, the best thing to do from an energy stand-point is to applaud the people who do have it! When you villainize something you want, you pull yourself out of that vibration and move yourself further away from that thing (result) you want. When you support it, you step into that person’s vibration.
In short, “The more we celebrate awesomeness, the more we attract awesomeness.”
I believe this to be true, even if I never approached generosity strategically. But energetically speaking, I have noticed that being supportive of the writers/ creatives whose work I admired and envied, felt good and expansive in my body. By stark contrast, when I saw myself as a victim and believed that those lucky individuals had better opportunities/ chances that hadn’t been afforded to me, my body was tense.
Yes, the world is unfair and the arts is one of the most subjective and unfair fields you can choose. There is no such thing as “equal opportunities.” And yes, creative individuals with a supportive partner, or parents, and financial backing have it easier. Yes. And, so what? How reminding myself of this unfairness is helping me?
As my dear writer-film-maker friend Wiebke says, her motto in life is “not to become bitter.” I like this motto very much. And I believe that artists should be supportive of each other because we are stronger together. And because it feels good.
I realize that our culture encourages us to do the opposite: compete against each other for the limited amount of grants, residencies and awards. To maintain a spirit of generosity takes some consistent practice. I too, can fall into the trap of resentment and envy, but I catch myself fast. As Julia Cameron writes in The Artist’s Way (my creative Bible):
Jealousy is always a mask for fear: fear that we aren’t able to get what we want; frustration that somebody else seems to be getting what is rightfully ours, even if we are too frightened to reach for it. At its root, jealousy is a stingy emotion.
Resenting the person we are jealous of doesn’t require us to change anything about ourselves, and therefore, takes a lot less effort than implementing those inconvenient sacrifices that this person has implemented to slowly and incrementally build a successful writing career we wish to have, for free.
At its root, jealousy is not only stingy, but lazy.
Some may be jealous of the fact that I have somehow “found the time” to post regularly here every Sunday without fail for 45 weeks. Truth is, the time to write these posts was never “found”! I had to make it happen, because I wanted to make it happen, even at the expense of me getting up at 6am on the weekends and writing/ editing before my yoga classes. If you envy my discipline, ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice sleeping-in on the weekend to make this happen for you too, regularly.
I have also gone down 2 dress sizes since February and can now fit into my teenage daughter’s hand-me-downs. How did I do it? With intention, dedication – and a lot of self-compassion! – consistently since February. I exercise, practice yoga and meditation every day, have a clean diet, and fit in intermittent fasting and regular walks.
JEALOUSY AS YOUR TEACHER
Now, just because I am a yoga teacher/practitioner, please don’t think that I am this enlightened, special being. I get jealous too. I look up to my friend Nina who at the age of fifty looks better than most people in their twenties. Nina also happens to run marathons and complete Ironman. And I am honest enough with myself to know that I would never go to such lengths to keep fit, but I can still admire her for it.
I could be envious of my extraordinary friend Ines, who has managed to stay creative throughout her eighteen-year marriage, as well as raise four children! When we go for our extended walks, I keep learning from her about how she manages to strike this balance. So, I know that sustaining a committed relationship and the many logistics of a busy family don’t come easy; they take a lot of hard work, compromise and generosity.
So going back to Mindy Pelz’s point about awesomeness, I suppose what I’m trying to say is that generosity of spirit takes practice. I have learned that jealousy could be my greatest teacher: it is pointing at something I want/aspire to. And in that moment, I have a choice to make. I can choose to say unkind things about this friend and find “unfair” excuses to excuse myself from doing the work, or, use their example as an inspiration! When I approach their success from an abundant mindset and a sense of creativity, I will always learn something valuable that will get me closer to my goal, in my own unique way.
BE GENEROUS WITHOUT EXPECTING ‘RETURNS’ ON YOUR ‘INVESTMENT’
But to be clear, I am not being supportive and generous because I expect to be rewarded for my generosity, but simply for one reason: it feels good, in my body! And as a writer, I know what a note of this kind (from a person I don’t even know!) means to me in a week dominated by crushing rejections.
I didn’t write what I wrote expecting this response. I wrote a short response to a writing prompt from the brilliant
because it was inspiring, and, because commenting on Mary’s post also boosts her (fantastic!) newsletter (and yes, this is my cue for you to check it out). And really, how easy is that? It is a win-win situation for everyone. Not to mention, small acts of kindness make the world a better place!So, I hope I have inspired you to be more generous. If you are reading this, I challenge you to show a small act of generosity towards someone – especially, if you are brave enough – towards a person you envy! See how it feels in your body to support/cheer-on their efforts, instead of quietly resenting them.
I would love to hear your stories in the comment section below!
Have a beautiful, generous weekend!
Such a beautiful post, and very inspiring!
Oh, how lovely to read through your post and then find my name at the end! Thank you, as always, Imola. Your generosity, openness, willingness to look deep--all of it amazes and inspires me. And of course, your writing as well. Congratulations on the grants--that is amazing!